Flat Black Ops Conspiracy Theory #1: The Defeated Teddy

The Presidents Race is a promotional event held at every Washington Nationals home game at RFK Memorial Stadium, featuring the four former U.S. Presidents who grace the face of Mount Rushmore: George Washington, Abraham “Abe” Lincoln, Thomas “Tom” Jefferson and Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt. Like the Sausage Race of the Milwaukee Brewers, the Presidents are dressed in costumes complete with giant foam caricature heads.

Originally introduced as a computer-generated event during the 2005 season, where stadium attendees could watch the four Presidents race along through a cartoon Washington, D.C., avoiding various obstacles such as traffic cones, open manholes and street closures, the event was soon transformed into a more exciting live-action race midway through the 2006 season.

Each of the Presidents has enjoyed varying degrees of success as racers--that is, each except for Teddy. As of September 23, 2007, the Presidents Race Standings have looked like this:



These clearly lopsided results beg the question: Is there some sort of deep-seated conspiracy against the former President, Teddy Roosevelt? Is it perhaps due to the fact that he was only elected President one time and lost his re-election effort as a Bull Moose, compared to the two campaign victories afforded by each of the other three? Is that the Nationals’ way of making a joke about how Teddy can’t seem to win a race?

So many questions surround these facts, but one point remains clear: from a statistical standpoint alone, it is nearly impossible for one to participate in 117 four-man races and not come out on top at least once, the Chicago Cubs aside.

Clearly, Teddy cannot simply be the lesser athlete. While granted, he was sickly and asthmatic as a youth, he quickly outgrew his ailments, and was a spirited rower and boxer by the time he reached adolescence. Furthermore, he was a celebrated Badlands hunter and Colonel in command of the Rough Riders! He charged up San Juan Hill! Dug the Panama Canal by hand! He got shot on the campaign trail and still delivered his speech, by Jove!

What do you gotta say about that, Tommy boy?! Oh, what, you’re fluent in six languages? Big deal!

And what about you, Abe? I don’t remember reading anything about you surviving a little ol’ gun shot to the back of the head.

Okay, George may give Teddy a run for his money, but I’d like to point out that, despite popular belief, George was no General in the United States Army. He was Lieutenant General. So there!

Like most “conspiracy” theories, the truth of the matter is, the majority of people actually believe this one is FOR REAL! There’s even an entry for it on Wikipedia, so it’s gotta be true! Although those smug bastards at Wiki refer to Teddy’s losing streak as “the running joke of the 2006 season.” Humpf! Some joke. Tell that to Teddy, you insensitive pricks!

Like the Zapruder film, the following films shed interesting light on this conspiracy:










The Verdict: The Nationals’ conspiracy against Teddy Roosevelt…DEFINITELY True!